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hi, i'm ying !

they/them • queertrans
easian • north america • 24do not follow if
racist, antisemitic, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, fatphobic, under 18

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🌷 the creature behind @divetothefuture and @boxofdoom🌹 ace attorney, animal crossing, baba is you, celeste, fire emblem, hades, legend of zelda, mario, minecraft, pokemon, undertale🌷 d&d, dimension 20, the adventure zone (balance)🌹 free!, mob psycho 100, revolutionary girl utena🌷 soil that binds us (webcomic, read here!), the locked tomb🌹 carly rae jepsen, kpop (unfortunately)

july 14 2022: forgive. break.July 14th, 2022Rachel,There are no words to describe how heartbroken and mentally hurt I feel from this week. And it’s my fault that it came this way.I’m breaking up. We need to break up. This is causing both of us a lot of stress.I was hoping to talk about this the next chance I get but all my chances are gone. You are entitled to an adult, civil conversation about this; I do not think that is possible with the current state of my household and abilities.This week has been one of the worst weeks anyone could experience. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I thought I had the strength to make it through unscathed... I was wrong.There are no words or amount of forgiveness I can ask from you for all the hurt and pain I’ve made/make you feel. You deserve better. You deserve the world, and all the kindness and love and pride it has to offer. With the current present, I can’t do that. And I don’t know when I’ll be able to.What does this mean? What does that entail?
- We need time to step back from each other, and need time to heal.
- We need time to think, and need time to take it all in.
- Disconnecting from you and disconnecting from our friends is what is expected of me,with the last shred of trust my parents can give. And it's my fault that trust is lost.
- Please don’t visit me at work, mainly for your sake. My parents have been checking in onme there too, virtually and in-person.- Please don’t call or text me or use messenger on my mobile phone. I won’t have physical access to my phone as much as I’d like. And it still gets checkedAs ironic or hypocritical as it sounds, I still hold faith and belief in us, as Katya and Rachel. Our future(s) are extremely uncertain... I don’t even know what we’ll go through tomorrow.I have had to come to terms with my parents and this letter. I’ve written. I’ve lost, in a way. Thisis my proposed compromise for the situation(s) we are in.This isn’t going to be easy. You, I, we can’t pretend like everything is normal. I’m sorry everything turned out this way. I did not want for this letter or these words to exist. You are so special to me, to our friends, and to the world.Katya

july 15 2022: a greek tragedyKatya,I catalogued all the many firsts you gave me, and in your absence, I flip through them quietly: my first Valentine, losing my virginity, my first Pride parade. So on, and on, and on. I don't think I ever thought this list would include 'first non-self-induced breakup,' but now it does. I stare at it like I could burn through it, like it's not real, like it didn't happen. 'First sleepover' was supposed to be there, and next to it 'first roadtrip, and next to that 'first apartment.' And a hopeful/sadistic part of me still believes that they will be - that there are firsts you have yet to show me. But then, the reality of our relationship hits me. And lie down and begin to cry.The funny(?) part was that hours before I received your letter, I had been drafting you a note as well. It was an expansion of the thoughts I first had in April. We were/are at different places in our lives and we should take a break (a few weeks, maybe) to reset. I was full of hesitancy to ask for a break. Back in April, you said you didn't want one. And this last week felt like poor timing. Now, I beat myself up with the knowledge that I didn't impose one when I should have. Maybe it would have granted me more patience. Maybe it would have eased the pressure I placed on you to come out. Maybe it would've ended in a breakup, one that was mutual and dignified. In these 'maybes,' I am devoured by regret and remorse.I make mention of this because your letter reflects all the guilt that I, too, feel. Guilt for placing the other in hurt's way. It pains me that we feel so. How terrible, to view our relationship (and the way it ended) through such heavy guilt. The kind of guilt that eclipses the devotion, the compassion, the dedication, the joy, the care, and the love that guided our actions. The kind of guilt that places the blame on us when things were out of our control. The kind of guilt that sours what little is salvageable: our memories of each other. And I don't want that for us. I don't want it. I don't want it.This is all beginning to feel like a Greek tragedy. I am Eurydice, meeting Orpheus' eyes mere steps from escaping hell. I am Daedalus, watching Icarus fall from the sky to the sea. I am Achilles, awaiting my Patroclus' return from the war. I have reached the point between grief and love where they look and feel the same.Even through this unsurmountable pain, I am grateful for sharing such a beautiful connection with a beautiful person. It floods me. Your love feels like home. It is warm and kind and good. You are my favourite person. This relationship is powerful, meaningful, and worthwhile. I could go on. And I would - I am desperate to give you more, to give you everything. But during a call I had with my mom, she asked, "Don't you think Katya already knows how you feel?" And I responded, "Yes."Of course I am (and will be, for a long time) angry, depressed, and hurt. But I also understand why you are breaking up with me. I forgive you.It is scary not knowing when we will connect again. But I await the day when we can share a meal and catch each other up on our busy lives. I will you show a silly meme of two creatures huddled together, and with lightness and confidence, you will say it looks just like us.With love,
Rachel
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july 31 2022: happy birthdayit’s your birthday today. you’re turning twenty-two.your birthday was always a soft deadline of sorts. it comes two weeks before mine, a gentle reminder of my own aging. like spring after winter, like the sun and the moon, like all the forces of nature that we saw ourselves reflected in: i follow you.i’m tempted to torture myself by fantasizing about how i would have celebrated your birthday if we were still together. i think we would have had to wait a few days, until after my term and your familial celebrations. you would give a nondescript excuse to leave the house, and you would pick me up from my house to go to brunch. i would dress up for you, pay for your meal, and dote on you a little more than i usually did. we would have come back to my house, where i would have given you your birthday gifts: a pair of wood carved earrings and a small, clay statue of an otter. even before the gift wrap fell away, a small smile would bloom on your face. even now, my heart beats for that smile.what should i do now? i was thinking of buying some cake and lighting you a candle. hands clasped and eyes shut, wax would melt and cool on the icing as i stall. i wouldn’t know what to wish for; there is too much i want. i simmer down from the ‘outlandish’ wishes that bubble beneath my ribs (seeing you soon, receiving a hug from you, anything to kickstart our long journey towards recovering from this devastation). i settle on wishing you good health and happiness - but even that, i doubt will come true.if it was not clear, i am miserable. i cannot approach your birthday in any way that would not make me upset. yet, i can’t find it in me to stop myself. for the past few years, your birthday has struck me with gratitude for your existence. it continues to do so, even if that gratitude is complicated. i’m reminded that i deeply cherish life. i’m reminded that time passes. i’m reminded that i always grow, even when i think i can’t or won’t.i’m reminded that i love you very, very much, katya. this is hard to do without you. happy birthday.

august 16 2022: hell on earthi wasn't able to save everything from our google drive folder before she began deleting. photos and videos (memories) gone, like that. and now she's asking me to remove her from my instagram as well. i can't even protest, out of fear that it will hurt her even more. im forced to take the lashing as it is. what torture. and to think that i was excited to have received a message from her, the first one since she broke up with me. this is fucking hell on earth.

september 14 2022: do you still watch tv shows with them on your couch?do you still watch tv shows with them on your couch?
do you still go on road trips to nearby towns?
do you still go on bread runs, picking up bubble tea for three on the way back?
what is it like to have dinner with them every night?
what is it like to sleep under their roof?
once, you said that you weren’t sure if you could survive without me
did you survive?

november 6 2022: katya, 1Katya,fuck you

november 14 2022: katya, 2Katya,FUCK YOU

december 26 2022: like a dogwhen we first split the only anger i was able to direct at you was the anger that you weren't letting me love you the way i knew i could, the way i knew i had toand now im leashed up like a dog, the grip in your unmoving hands. there is no reprieve. there is only thirst, there is only starvation, there is only suffocation. i can't even bite back: you've muzzled me, tooim a good person and i didnt deserve what happened to me. and yet, pitifully, theres an animal inside me that feels validated by all of this. that i deserved to be caught and put downhow inhumane.

april 27 2023: enoughit would have been enough to plan a garden together, the one in our miniscule front yard. to go to a garden center with a list of native plants that my dad helped to curate, picking the greenest shoots and plumpest flower buds. it would have been enough to waste an entire weekend tilling the land and deweeding, getting our knees dirty and complaining about our tired backs in the fair afternoon. we would have sipped homemade lemonade and picked at bread and grapes on our inherited patio furniture under the porch awning. we would have talked about our first impressions of our neighbours, dog watched, and waved at other queer couples as they passed. we would have contemplated what flags to hang up during pride month, what wind chimes would accent our front door. all of that, more or less, would have been enough.